i like to write in pencil.

In the interest of complete transparency, this is a re-post from 5/5/07. It's from my short-lived blog on MySpace (remember, MySpace? Ha!). In this post, my neuroses is showing. But I enjoyed, re-reading it nonetheless (I really am funny! Ijs...) so here you go. It's amazing how the more things change, the more things stay the same! (I will also admit to some minor editing...it was too darn long.)

Sometimes I like to write in pencil. Pencil can be erased. Sometimes I like to write in pencil because unlike life it allows for do overs. I can erase the words as if they never existed and write some new ones down. Ones with the correct meaning and the correct tone or that reflect what I really feel or mean to say. In real life, the things I say and do cannot be recalled. They cannot be erased. Even the things I do in the dark (that goes for you too!). Once done, it's done. Once said, it's said. Whether or not it comes back to bite me in the butt, that's another story.

Like most of you, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. There are tons of things I should not have done and even more things I should not have said. When you look up "perfect" in the dictionary, my picture is noticeably absent. Lol. You look up "trifling," "unwise," "neurotic," or "demanding," these are places where you might catch a glimpse of me with a big cheesy grin. Apparently I have no shame.

I try my best to live my life without regrets. It's a decision I made long ago. It doesn't always work but I really do try my best. I've done stuff and said stuff that I know I should not have but seeing as usually I can't take it back it doesn't, in theory, make sense to get upset about it. Every once in a while, okay more often than I care to admit, I do something where I'm like, "You've really screwed up!" But then I pray, ask for forgiveness from God (it's usually necessary), work on forgiving myself (I'm usually a lot harder on myself that God is), and try to move on from there. There are some situations I've caused in my life that only God can fix. Those I give to God and hope for the best. Sometimes I have to give them to God daily, sometimes it's a minute by minute situation, cause the human tendency is to worry about that which we cannot control. I am decidedly human. One of my favorite sayings is, "It is what it is." And it's true. "It" is what "it" often is and there is nothing you can do about it. And yet I know this is a cop out. I am trying to hide my humanity.

Learning to be okay with life, whatever it brings, can be hard. Well, not always. Sometimes things do turn out the way you want them to. You dream and the dreams come true. Sometimes you can't believe the dreams are coming true. These are the times when life is full of pleasure and it's easy to be grateful. Everything in life is okay, wonderful even. You are full of smiles and kind words. You are happy and you want the world to be happy with you. Lol. You are a superhero. 

But sometimes the dreams fall apart before they come to fruition and it's your fault. You said it. You did it. And you can't take it back. Sometimes as a result of our actions or words you end up with your feelings hurt. You are the cause of your own pain. Or you set off a chain of events with what you've said or what you've done that causes someone or something you care about to be hurt or even harmed (worse yet). And yet you have no choice but to live with yourself. You get a generous dose of the hard reality of life...you have to face and live with yourself. Sometimes its the worst punishment....humanity unveiled.

And yet even in the midst of all of that, you have to struggle to be grateful and search for the silver lining of the dark cloud. You have to find something to hold on to so as not sink into the dark abyss. Most of us spend a lot of time on the edge of that dark abyss whether we are willing to admit it or not. But trouble doesn't last always. Thank God.

So you see...sometimes I like to write in pencil simply because I can erase. And erasing... well...sometimes I need another chance. 

 I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.