django and me, unchained

So I was supposed to write about Django tonight. I really enjoyed it. As per usual, I disagree with a lot of the criticism. I am not a Tarantino fan. But I don't think that his use of the n-word was somehow gratuitous or that he took some sort of sick satisfaction in using the word repeatedly (apparently 100 times at least). It's set in 1858, I'm pretty sure that Black folks were hardly referred to as anything else in that time period. The film points to the absurdity of racism. It showed the rage of Black men (which they every right to, then and now) and prominently exhibited the horrors of slavery (purposeful separation of families, use of hotboxes, dogs, intimidation, etc.). In watching, I considered that history, all of it, doesn't belong to any one group of people although we like to act like it does. I viewed it as a work of art than more anything else and I certainly didn't take it too seriously. Tarantino is entitled to his opinion and his interpretation, as are you and I.

So that's it about Django cause that's not really what I want to talk about. I'm much more interested in the conversations I've been having with women who are surprised by my admittance that I'd like to be married and have children. Some have assumed that just because I want these things that I am somehow dissatisfied with my life, or that maybe I think the grass is greener on the other side. I think that the grass is different on the other side, but certainly not greener. I have now lived at least half of my life, and have seen and experienced lots of things which have taught me the value and the pitfalls of relationship.

Now, I hardly have it all figured out. I'm pretty sure I'd be scared witless if I actually got into a viable relationship with marriage potential. I'm pretty sure I'd try to sabotage it, and would be gobsmacked if the man didn't let that happen. I'm sure I've written about vulnerability on this blog somewhere. It scares the crap out of me. But most days I feel ready for the challenge.

Men also seem to be under misconception that just because you're a woman of a certain age, unmarried and without children, but want those things, that you are somehow desperate and willing to settle. I recently had an experience with a man who came on like gangbusters. He wasn't really my type (whatever that means) but his approach intrigued me and I found myself wide open to his advances. We were communicating daily and I was hopeful but cautious, after all it was early on and he didn't owe me anything. And then he disappeared for three days (not a long period of time but strange when we'd had daily communication for period of time) giving the explanation when he resurfaced that he just needed a break. I was confused since he was the one  that set the tone of communicating everyday. I mean, he should have told me he needed a break BEFORE he took a break (that, to me, is what grown-ups do). Needless to say, while our communication continued after that, I lost the loving feeling. I realized that he seriously thought I would still be just as interested in spite of his behavior. Now, I continued communication because I'm a woman and I like male attention (men are not the only ones who do stuff like that!), but from that point on, I wasn't really interested and it's not going to go anywhere. I talked to him when he called, but never initiated a call. After all, I'm worth more than that.

I think that because of the Western ideas of either/or that we think that a person can only want one type of life. If they don't have that life, then we think they think that they are lacking. Whereas, I subscribe to a both/and way of thinking. Where both lives, the life I have and another life, can both be equally satisfying but in different ways. I love being single. I love doing what I want when I want (that is seriously the best part!...that and sleeping in the middle of the bed...ijs). I have a full life with lots of love. I'm continually grateful because I know I live a lot better than a lot of people in this world. It didn't have to be this way or this good. I would be happy to continue in this life. At the same time, I would also like to experience the joys, challenges, and pitfalls of a different kind of life. Maybe one that involves having a husband or a child, or a husband and a child(ren). Maybe one that involves elements that are far better than I could have  imagined for myself.

What I've figured out in my practically 40 years of living is that Paul was right.

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through [Christ] who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:11-13

The best way to live is to be content in whatever state you find yourself. That doesn't mean you can't give voice to what you want or would like to see happen in your life. After all, what is life without dreams and aspirations, without hope. But that has to be balanced with knowing (and believing) that life is good, right here and right now, for indeed it is.


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.