When ish hits the fan.

I didn't post last week even though my list of TTD this year says I'm supposed to post weekly. I've realized I can take the pressure off myself and don't always have to post an original work but can post a quote or something interesting I read. I'm glad I realized this since I was berating myself for not having posted! Sometimes you have to show yourself a little grace. I'm not so good at that.

So we are two weeks into the new year...starting the third....and already it's been quite a ride.

Last week lots of ish hit the fan. 1) I was presented with an opportunity that I almost had to forfeit because I hadn't taken care of business. 2) I was bit in the butt (and it took a huge bite) by something I had not taken care of. (Notice a theme??)  

This is what happens when you don't take of your business when you're supposed to. I've been reflecting on why this happened and I realize that there are many reasons for this (I'm grateful to not be so self-centered that I think I'm the only one in the world having these types of experiences). For me, there are usually two main ones. The first is that I think I have time. Some of the craziness of last week was due to me running out of time when I thought I had time. The second main reason for me is relatively simple...I'm too scared to deal so I don't. I'm scared of a lot of things even though I don't come across that way. I procrastinate. I watch TV. I talk on the phone. I make seven million things a priority so that I can avoid dealing with the one thing that should be a priority. I know, I'm full of tom foolery and hijinks!

As I write this, I realize there is a third reason...I just don't want to take responsibility. That's awful and immature but it's true. This is similar to reason #2 but not quite. I can be an ostrich at times (And I've seen ostrich up close and personal. Though not one had their head in the sand. But we're very similar. We  both have huge meaty behinds! True story.). It's a huge character flaw, I know, that has gotten better over time but I still have a ways to go.

So I did a lot of praying and asking other people to intercede on my behalf last week. Strangely, or perhaps not, even in the midst I had peace. See....I figured out that God was showing me that God's grace is sufficient for me. That God's mercy really is available in abundance! I tested the bounds of God's grace, mercy, and love last week and I came out on the other side convinced that God loves me!!!

And it's not because God magically made everything right either. I didn't escape punishment. That wouldn't be wisdom on God's part, I don't think, because I needed to learn a lesson. When you do stuff or don't do stuff, it's good to suffer the consequences, whether they be positive or negative. God gave me wisdom to deal with the situations I found myself in, which is what I prayed for (okay well partly, I must admit I also prayed for a divine quick fix...but come on...I'm human!) and while there are repercussions for my actions, I am able, with God's grace, to suck it up with relation to one situation and, ultimately, the other situation worked out and I'll be able to take advantage of the opportunity. God is good!

So lesson learned the hard way. At least I hope I learned the lesson. It's likely that God will have to teach me this one a few more times. When God nudges me to take care of something, I should take care of it! I'm praying for strategy and increased sensitivity to the Holy Spirit's leading. Otherwise, I won't be able to see my way through.

Don't forget...Jesus loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

I think he ruined me.

I've been thinking a lot about a visit I had with my ex and his family over Christmas (see..boundary issues) and how my relationship with him possibly ruined me for every relationship I've had since. So I'm sitting there with this dude and his mom, who still after many, many moons and his failed marriage seems to love me to bits, and his kids (yes, his kids!), and his sister and I'm thinking...what the hell am I doing here? The scary part was that it all felt so comfortable and yet it was completely uncomfortable.

So me and this dude were probably together for about four years and, for the most part, this was my formative relationship. As he pointed out to his mom during the visit, if he was here, I was there (literally standing right next to him). That's how intense our relationship was. I spent all of my time with him. I would leave my friends at night to go sleep in his bed (his senior year we lived in the same dorm). I would see him almost everyday during our summer vacations...I mean I ate dinner at their house every night! During his graduation party, his father introduced me to his friends as his daughter-in-law. I absolutely adored this man and he adored me. The sight of him made me happy even in the middle of a fight. But I didn't think, for some reason, that we would ever get married (mostly I think because I couldn't imagine marrying anyone and, on some level, I still can't). And he ended up with the girl who was "the one who got away" (except she wasn't) and whose family background in terms of socioeconomics was more similar to his and whose parents, I'm assuming, he liked since he wasn't too keen on mine.

Our break up is too much to go into. He was married within two years. I moved to Chicago. Many would argue I was running away from him. My response...perhaps. Anyway, it took me forever to get over him and while I will always love him in some manner...I'm pretty sure it was a good idea we didn't get married.

So how did he ruin me? In my head, a relationship is what I had with him. Two almost completely intertwined individuals who derive a great deal of pleasure from one another. We shared our everyday. If I heard something on the radio, I would call him and vice versa. I was used to someone who wanted to see me everyday, who wanted to talk to me several times a day, who wanted to make me smile and laugh (and vice versa). Who openly and vocally thought I was great (and vice versa). I mean, we bought each other presents that we actually liked for goodness sakes. I remember telling God that I would know I had found my mate when our relationship was like this one, except new dude would love God as much as I did (read: be saved). When my future relationships didn't measure up to this, perhaps impossible, standard, I discounted them as not quite being real.

I only discovered this because in a conversation with a friend about relationships after the visit she exclaimed that I always do this...act like my relationships are/were NOT relationships. And I think it's mostly because I don't perceive them to be relationships because of this one relationship...you see now why I'm calling it formative, right? Sigh.

So I've realized I need to re-examine my expectations of men and what relationships are supposed to be like. Which basically means I have no idea. And I'm too old to NOT know. Aren't I? Of course, I'm not that girl anymore that was that dude's girlfriend. At the same time, I'm not that far off from that girl. Sure I've grown up. I'm an entrepreneur, I handle my business (sorta) and am an independent woman for the most part. I find myself living a life that I absolutely love and wonder if I'll ever get married or if I even want to. Yet I still have this ideal in my head that I need to deal with. Or do I? Is that ideal impossible...unrealistic....silly. Many of my married friends would say that I'm not living in reality. Then again I know some folks who've got this. But  perhaps this should be continued on another day.



Don't forget...Jesus loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

I am not a blog virgin.

I used to have a blog a long time ago and I gave it up several years ago at the same time I gave up myspace, or at least stopped using it. But I've realized writing was good for me so I've decided to come back to it. Besides it's on my list of things to do for this year. I'm doing pretty good considering this is the second day of the year and I'm already on my game. My problem has always been consistency so we shall see how long this lasts.

I have no idea what I'm going to write on here. Likely there will be often times when I share too much. I have been told that my boundaries are a little different which is, I think, a polite way of trying to tell me that maybe I need to get some. I partially blame my family...they don't meet strangers and they insist on keeping inappropriate relationships. For instance, my mother's father did indeed toast the bride and groom at my father's wedding to his second wife. And yes, my little brother did spend a lot of time with my mother, sister and I when he was little (no he's not my mother's kid). And yes, my father does still invite my mother's family to events and, yes, they do all show up. See...I didn't make this lack of boundary stuff up on my own! So I'm asking for forgiveness and grace on the front end.

Anyway, I love God and love shoes. Recently, I've been struggling in my relationship with both and everything in between. Through this blog I may just work out some of my issues. 

I promise not to write pretentiously long blogs...okay maybe only sometimes. And I promise not to overuse exclamation points and ellipses. And I promise to only embarrass myself (or at least I'll make every effort). 

And reminiscent of my original blog...don't forget...Jesus loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or what your issues are. I'm living proof.