hidden in plain sight.

Surprisingly, I'm teaching a class on ministry and leadership development at my church's bible college. I mean I'm not unqualified. I possess leadership skills and abilities. Every once in a while, I even demonstrate them. I'm seminary-trained. I, for the most part, get the whole ministry thing. It's just curious because I'm not a recognized minister or that much of a leader at my church. I bring this up because the thing that I'm most struck by is that it's an answer to long-given-up-on prayer.

I'm at (one of) the stage(s) of my life where I am questioning everything. One of the biggest questions I am currently facing is, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" When I first left seminary (seminary=one of the most defining experiences of my life thus far), I knew I wasn't going to seek out a church job. I'm not called to be pastor (praise Jehovah!) and at the time I was getting married. Post-seminary was supposed to be the time for my fiance to pursue his dream (I didn't want to be with a man who had regrets later on) so I knew I would be headed back toward some semblance of my old vocational life. Eventually I would be able to go back to school (PhD="should" in my life=read previous posts) as I wanted to end up teaching in a seminary (Teaching= one of my primary giftings). I wanted to train/influence ministers even though I didn't necessarily want to be one (yes, I know...but have you met me?). Needless to say, things didn't quite end up as planned.

I sometimes think God can't/doesn't hear me. These doubts surface because God is either not responding fast enough OR not in the fashion that I'd like for God to respond in. I often (read=ALWAYS) get these ideas in my head of how things are supposed to play out. Doesn't God know that life is supposed to go according to my plan? So often I miss God's voice and God's movement when just because I have no sense of what God is doing, it doesn't mean that God is not getting it done.

For a lot of my life, I've been built up by others in my faith community that I was supposed to be somebody. I've heard these things since I was young. And I drank the kool-aid. After all, I was prepared, anointed, and, perhaps, even appointed. I harbored dreams of profound impact..perhaps even global domination (just  kidding...sort of). I am coming to recognize that the interpretation of what it meant to be somebody, this idea that I had bought into, is not necessarily God's interpretation of what it means to be somebody. I know, it was an aha! moment for me too. This may be an aside but it may also be key to my story.

What I have found in my experience of walking with God is that often my prayers are answered and I don't even realize it. When I finally recognize these miracles in my life (for indeed they are miracles), I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. But I am pretty sure that for every one prayer I recognize as answered, there are 100 answered prayers for which I've never told God thank you.

The thing that generally keeps me from recognizing my answer to prayer is that it didn't come in the package I expected. (Expectation really kills a lot of things.) Every once in a while, I get answers in neon lights but usually that's not the case. Sometimes I feel like the answers hide in plain sight (which if you watch Breaking Bad,  or are a member of WITSEC, is the most clever place to hide!). It's more likely that I just wasn't paying attention, especially since the answer is usually not the one I was looking for.

I thought when I gave up the idea of pursuing a PhD awhile back that I had also given up my dream of ever teaching in a seminary. And, indeed, that may be true. I'm actually okay with that. Life is about choices and I have my reasons for making that choice. What's been most revelatory in teaching this class is that God has indeed given me what I wanted. God  has answered my prayer in the most unexpected but wonderful way. I am being the impact I've wanted to be. It's not to a seminary but on some level I'm more blessed by teaching in this small bible college, impacting individuals within my faith tradition who will never go to seminary, but who are/will minister to the people of God in the most important space for Christianity...the local church. At the end of the day, THAT is what I wanted.

So I'm grateful for revelation. I'm grateful for perspective. I'm grateful for becoming more grounded and for being, at least in one aspect of my life, exactly where I'm supposed be, doing what I'm gifted to do. Even in the midst of taking stock of myself and trying to figure out what comes next, I am indeed grateful.


Always remember Jesus loves you...it doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

what I've learned from Breaking Bad thus far...

SPOILER ALERT  ::  SPOILER ALERT :: SPOILER ALERT :: SPOILER ALERT 

So if you have not watched Breaking Bad on AMC, I feel a little sad for you. I mean, talk about good television! I'm not their spokesperson (although I could be) but I basically watched 4 years of the show in about two weeks. It's that good (or I'm a little obsessive....or both!). You can watch the first four seasons on Netflix. The second half of season 5 doesn't air until Summer 2013. I'm a little depressed.

I've also learned some useful and important life lessons from this show. I could easily make a list of like 50 things, if not more, that I've learned. But I won't do that to you since I think you should watch the show despite the spoilers. Therefore, I'm limiting my list to 10 of the biggest lessons. If you're a fan...feel free to add your own life lessons to this list.

1. Do not lie to your wife. I mean you can and you probably will. But when she figures out you've lied,  you are in BIG trouble. She will no longer want to have sex with you AND throw you out of the house. She will think you're having an affair. Somehow, the fact that you're really cooking meth and not cheating on her will not make her any less mad. Go figure.

2. Walts are bad news. If you meet a guy named Walt, run, do not walk, in the other direction. He will eventually kill you.

3. Do not sell drugs. Or sell them, just don't get involved with any men named Tuco who are crazy. Also, don't sell on someone else's corner. And if a little kid keeps circling you with his bike on said corner, it is very likely that he is going to shoot you dead. Ijs...

4. A radiologist's job is really not that simple. Say, for instance, you have cancer and you determine from looking at the scan (MRI or Cat or whatever) that you just took that your cancer has spread and you are dying. You are very likely reading the scan incorrectly as you are not a radiologist. In fact, you are probably getting better and have put yourself through a lot of nonsense for no apparent reason. Leave the doctoring to the doctors!

5.  Don't let your wife hide your drug money. She will give it to her ex-lover, who is also her former boss, to pay his tax bill. He will use some of that money to lease a luxury car and NOT pay his taxes.

6. You can make up your own moniker. I know that usually the rule is you can't give yourself your own nickname but if you're a drug dealer you totally can!!! I mean, you need a fake name to operate under, after all. Just don't choose Heisenberg, it's already taken.

7. If you attend Narcotics Anonymous, you should be fully invested. You really can't half-step a 12-step program and you certainly shouldn't try to sell meth there. The crowd is surprisingly resistant to buying said drugs.

8. Meth heads are crazy and may kill you by accident if they're mad at you for calling them names. If you're in the company of a meth head while you happen to be trying to open an ATM machine with a blowtorch from underneath at the same time you're calling said meth head names, be careful they don't kick the contraption that has the ATM machine jacked up. This will crush your head and kill you. Just a precautionary tale!

9. Do not pretend you don't have a second cell phone. This is part of the don't lie to your wife thing. Cause then you'll end up having major surgery and as the anesthesia kicks in, you will cop to the lie leaving your wife furious and super suspicious which ultimately leads her to find out you ARE a drug dealer which is what having the second cell phone was supposed to avoid!

10. If someone gives you a list of people to kill, you should do it. If you don't, they will undoubtedly add you to the list and get some other person on the list to do the killing. Of course, you will end up killing the hired assassin AND possibly killing the person who came up with the list as well.

...and one more for good measure...

11. Jesses are good people. He may appear a bad seed but he's really just looking for love in all the wrong places. So if you meet a Jesse, you should totally be his friend.

P.S. If you sell drugs, do not use your product. I didn't list this one because, one, it seems too obvious and, two, I've learned that from a lot of shows...The Wire, Weeds, The Cleaner, Sons of Anarchy, etc.


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are (even a drug dealer or cook or mule or meth head), what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

two girl crushes and a pair of shoes...

I don't usually do talk shows but last week I happened to catch the second episode of Katie Couric's new show, "Katie" and found myself with two...yes, TWO....new girl crushes....in less than one hour!!!

My first new girl crush is Brene Brown, a researcher from University of Houston's School of Social Work, who has been studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame for over a decade. I am truly inspired by her TED Talk on the Power of Vulnerability. I have a lot to learn here. It's the place I struggle with more than anything.

My other new girl crush is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess herself. Of course everyone  in the world (read: my sister who is a total BOASTER!) knew who she was except me. I totally want to be her when I grow up minus the whole she's white thing and the cussing. She cusses a lot. Check her out at The Bloggess.

Oh, and shoes. I was thinking that this tagline on this blog mentions shoes yet I never post anything about shoes. So here is my newest pair of shoes...I LOVE them and am trying to wear them as much as possible before the weather really changes! Admire at will....

Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

My reaction to Five Things

My sister, who is awesome and a much better writer than I will ever be, recently wrote a blog post (http://thehomebeete.com/2012/09/10/five-things/) on her experience of writing love poems using a method I can't remember but you basically use other people's words to compose the poem. Her blog post was a list of five things she was learning as she wrote these poems...# 3 struck me like a sledgehammer.

3. All the men I grew up with cheated—my father, his father, his brothers. On my mother’s side, too (though maybe not her stepfather). They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them.

She is my sister. We share a similar experience. I've got bonuses though.

When I was maybe 23 or 24, I got the distinct pleasure of meeting one of my father's mistresses (i am assuming there were multiple. if there's one...than it is likely there was more than one). I didn't know this when I met her of course. She heard me say my last name and asked me if I was my parent's daughter. The Caribbean community is large and small in NY so on some level it was just a matter of time before I ran into someone my parents knew considering who I was working for at the time. That evening I went home and called both of my parents to tell them I met this person. My father gave me a relatively non-commital, "Yes, I know her." My mother promptly told me that she had been a friend who had an affair with my father while she was living in their house. Nice.There are other stories that I won't share here. But I didn't realize that this stuff affected me DEEPLY. Not until now when I am thinking of trying to sustain a relationship and it seems, in my mind, an almost impossible task.

I worry that I am cheater because my father was a cheater. Like maybe I've picked up this trait from him similar to my risk for diabetes and my ability to continually flip through channels and stay up really late watching TV. I've cheated before. Funny. It was with a person who was so much less (IMO) than my partner and from whom I was really only seeking attention. I wasn't in the same geographic location as my boyfriend at the time; I was craving the attention that I was used to getting. I learned that lesson through the experience in though I never got caught and I hope I would never do it again. But I don't know. It worries me.

They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. It's weird because the math that my sister does is not the math I've done all my life. My math: One woman is not enough = I am not enough because I am a woman. I am working through this now...this math. It's wrong math. It's like saying 2+2=5. Except I didn't really realize I was thinking until I saw my sister's math.  Is this why a long lasting relationship has been so elusive? The way a person thinks can easily dictate their life. Even weirder...I balance this mathematical equation against the notion that I am too much. I have been told that by many a man. Okay maybe not many. But it only takes a few key men to make stinkin'  thinkin' stick in a woman's head. Sometimes it only takes one.

Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them. It's true. In a past relationship, in the beginning the man adored me and was very verbal about it. My response to his words of adoration were always negative. I didn't believe anything he said and it came across in my response...sometimes nonchalance...sometimes flippant disagreement. He began to begin sentences with, "I know you don't believe me but..." And eventually he stopped saying the things he thought I wouldn't believe. I've learned to keep quiet about what I don't believe, but I still discount. It's my go-to thinking.

I didn't write this blog to offer a resolution. I've had no great epiphany that's completely revolutionized my life. I was actually just so struck by my reaction to her list; I needed to write it down. The notions are all competing. I know that part of processing them helps me to begin to find resolution or at least increase my awareness. They are, after all, insane notions...I am not enough...I am too much...I am not worthy of love...I am unable to conduct a long-term relationship. I do not doubt that these ideas will continue to haunt me. But I know they will have less power. Perhaps I will be quicker to recognize them and, therefore, work toward taking away their power altogether. Hope is a good thing.


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

39 and 3/4s...

A few weeks ago I was plagued by these overwhelming feelings of urgency and anxiety. It had seeped into all parts of my life. I'm dating (sort of) and felt it there. I'm working on my weight and felt it there (which caused me go in reverse...too much pressure!). I'm supposed to be working on other stuff too...and it was all overshadowed by this sense of urgency and anxiety that was scaring the crap out of me. Why was I feeling this way?

A few Saturday ago, I was texting back and forth with my friend Leigh about my foray into dating and it finally hit me why I I've been feeling so overwhelmed and anxious. I'm turning 40. In just a few short months I will be the big 4-0. Holy crap! 

When I was young, I remember seeing birthday cards that referred to 40 as being "over the hill." I was (and am) petrified to find out what's on the other side of that hill. And it was (and is) causing me great angst.

I was supposed to be married by now. I was supposed to have kids by now. I'm supposed to be thinner (and more in shape) and my finances are supposed to be in better order. I wish I could say a magic prayer that would make everything be as it should be....or at least as I want it to be...

I mean, I'm going to be 40 and it's a very grown up age. Except I don't feel grown up. I feel not together. And a bit of a mess. Okay, a big mess. If only you knew...sigh...

I'm also plagued by all the shoulds in my head. Things I shoulda done. Things I shoulda said. Things I should do. Things I should say. Things I should be. These things come from years of me putting unrealistic expectations on myself, other people putting their expectations on me, and me attributing things to God that He actually didn't say or expect. I'm trying to shake myself of the shoulds.

I realize this is all part of the process of getting older..of figuring out who I am, becoming comfortable with who I am and where I am. From that perspective, I welcome...I almost need to be...40.

But, oh the work to get there!

So I'm struggling through and am hoping there's actually a pot of gold on the other side of the hill or something close. I'll keep you posted...


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.