My reaction to Five Things

My sister, who is awesome and a much better writer than I will ever be, recently wrote a blog post (http://thehomebeete.com/2012/09/10/five-things/) on her experience of writing love poems using a method I can't remember but you basically use other people's words to compose the poem. Her blog post was a list of five things she was learning as she wrote these poems...# 3 struck me like a sledgehammer.

3. All the men I grew up with cheated—my father, his father, his brothers. On my mother’s side, too (though maybe not her stepfather). They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them.

She is my sister. We share a similar experience. I've got bonuses though.

When I was maybe 23 or 24, I got the distinct pleasure of meeting one of my father's mistresses (i am assuming there were multiple. if there's one...than it is likely there was more than one). I didn't know this when I met her of course. She heard me say my last name and asked me if I was my parent's daughter. The Caribbean community is large and small in NY so on some level it was just a matter of time before I ran into someone my parents knew considering who I was working for at the time. That evening I went home and called both of my parents to tell them I met this person. My father gave me a relatively non-commital, "Yes, I know her." My mother promptly told me that she had been a friend who had an affair with my father while she was living in their house. Nice.There are other stories that I won't share here. But I didn't realize that this stuff affected me DEEPLY. Not until now when I am thinking of trying to sustain a relationship and it seems, in my mind, an almost impossible task.

I worry that I am cheater because my father was a cheater. Like maybe I've picked up this trait from him similar to my risk for diabetes and my ability to continually flip through channels and stay up really late watching TV. I've cheated before. Funny. It was with a person who was so much less (IMO) than my partner and from whom I was really only seeking attention. I wasn't in the same geographic location as my boyfriend at the time; I was craving the attention that I was used to getting. I learned that lesson through the experience in though I never got caught and I hope I would never do it again. But I don't know. It worries me.

They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. It's weird because the math that my sister does is not the math I've done all my life. My math: One woman is not enough = I am not enough because I am a woman. I am working through this now...this math. It's wrong math. It's like saying 2+2=5. Except I didn't really realize I was thinking until I saw my sister's math.  Is this why a long lasting relationship has been so elusive? The way a person thinks can easily dictate their life. Even weirder...I balance this mathematical equation against the notion that I am too much. I have been told that by many a man. Okay maybe not many. But it only takes a few key men to make stinkin'  thinkin' stick in a woman's head. Sometimes it only takes one.

Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them. It's true. In a past relationship, in the beginning the man adored me and was very verbal about it. My response to his words of adoration were always negative. I didn't believe anything he said and it came across in my response...sometimes nonchalance...sometimes flippant disagreement. He began to begin sentences with, "I know you don't believe me but..." And eventually he stopped saying the things he thought I wouldn't believe. I've learned to keep quiet about what I don't believe, but I still discount. It's my go-to thinking.

I didn't write this blog to offer a resolution. I've had no great epiphany that's completely revolutionized my life. I was actually just so struck by my reaction to her list; I needed to write it down. The notions are all competing. I know that part of processing them helps me to begin to find resolution or at least increase my awareness. They are, after all, insane notions...I am not enough...I am too much...I am not worthy of love...I am unable to conduct a long-term relationship. I do not doubt that these ideas will continue to haunt me. But I know they will have less power. Perhaps I will be quicker to recognize them and, therefore, work toward taking away their power altogether. Hope is a good thing.


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.