hidden in plain sight.

Surprisingly, I'm teaching a class on ministry and leadership development at my church's bible college. I mean I'm not unqualified. I possess leadership skills and abilities. Every once in a while, I even demonstrate them. I'm seminary-trained. I, for the most part, get the whole ministry thing. It's just curious because I'm not a recognized minister or that much of a leader at my church. I bring this up because the thing that I'm most struck by is that it's an answer to long-given-up-on prayer.

I'm at (one of) the stage(s) of my life where I am questioning everything. One of the biggest questions I am currently facing is, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" When I first left seminary (seminary=one of the most defining experiences of my life thus far), I knew I wasn't going to seek out a church job. I'm not called to be pastor (praise Jehovah!) and at the time I was getting married. Post-seminary was supposed to be the time for my fiance to pursue his dream (I didn't want to be with a man who had regrets later on) so I knew I would be headed back toward some semblance of my old vocational life. Eventually I would be able to go back to school (PhD="should" in my life=read previous posts) as I wanted to end up teaching in a seminary (Teaching= one of my primary giftings). I wanted to train/influence ministers even though I didn't necessarily want to be one (yes, I know...but have you met me?). Needless to say, things didn't quite end up as planned.

I sometimes think God can't/doesn't hear me. These doubts surface because God is either not responding fast enough OR not in the fashion that I'd like for God to respond in. I often (read=ALWAYS) get these ideas in my head of how things are supposed to play out. Doesn't God know that life is supposed to go according to my plan? So often I miss God's voice and God's movement when just because I have no sense of what God is doing, it doesn't mean that God is not getting it done.

For a lot of my life, I've been built up by others in my faith community that I was supposed to be somebody. I've heard these things since I was young. And I drank the kool-aid. After all, I was prepared, anointed, and, perhaps, even appointed. I harbored dreams of profound impact..perhaps even global domination (just  kidding...sort of). I am coming to recognize that the interpretation of what it meant to be somebody, this idea that I had bought into, is not necessarily God's interpretation of what it means to be somebody. I know, it was an aha! moment for me too. This may be an aside but it may also be key to my story.

What I have found in my experience of walking with God is that often my prayers are answered and I don't even realize it. When I finally recognize these miracles in my life (for indeed they are miracles), I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. But I am pretty sure that for every one prayer I recognize as answered, there are 100 answered prayers for which I've never told God thank you.

The thing that generally keeps me from recognizing my answer to prayer is that it didn't come in the package I expected. (Expectation really kills a lot of things.) Every once in a while, I get answers in neon lights but usually that's not the case. Sometimes I feel like the answers hide in plain sight (which if you watch Breaking Bad,  or are a member of WITSEC, is the most clever place to hide!). It's more likely that I just wasn't paying attention, especially since the answer is usually not the one I was looking for.

I thought when I gave up the idea of pursuing a PhD awhile back that I had also given up my dream of ever teaching in a seminary. And, indeed, that may be true. I'm actually okay with that. Life is about choices and I have my reasons for making that choice. What's been most revelatory in teaching this class is that God has indeed given me what I wanted. God  has answered my prayer in the most unexpected but wonderful way. I am being the impact I've wanted to be. It's not to a seminary but on some level I'm more blessed by teaching in this small bible college, impacting individuals within my faith tradition who will never go to seminary, but who are/will minister to the people of God in the most important space for Christianity...the local church. At the end of the day, THAT is what I wanted.

So I'm grateful for revelation. I'm grateful for perspective. I'm grateful for becoming more grounded and for being, at least in one aspect of my life, exactly where I'm supposed be, doing what I'm gifted to do. Even in the midst of taking stock of myself and trying to figure out what comes next, I am indeed grateful.


Always remember Jesus loves you...it doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.