A few weeks ago I was plagued by these overwhelming feelings of urgency and anxiety. It had seeped into all parts of my life. I'm dating (sort of) and felt it there. I'm working on my weight and felt it there (which caused me go in reverse...too much pressure!). I'm supposed to be working on other stuff too...and it was all overshadowed by this sense of urgency and anxiety that was scaring the crap out of me. Why was I feeling this way?
A few Saturday ago, I was texting back and forth with my friend Leigh about my foray into dating and it finally hit me why I I've been feeling so overwhelmed and anxious. I'm turning 40. In just a few short months I will be the big 4-0. Holy crap!
When I was young, I remember seeing birthday cards that referred to 40 as being "over the hill." I was (and am) petrified to find out what's on the other side of that hill. And it was (and is) causing me great angst.
I was supposed to be married by now. I was supposed to have kids by now. I'm supposed to be thinner (and more in shape) and my finances are supposed to be in better order. I wish I could say a magic prayer that would make everything be as it should be....or at least as I want it to be...
I mean, I'm going to be 40 and it's a very grown up age. Except I don't feel grown up. I feel not together. And a bit of a mess. Okay, a big mess. If only you knew...sigh...
I'm also plagued by all the shoulds in my head. Things I shoulda done. Things I shoulda said. Things I should do. Things I should say. Things I should be. These things come from years of me putting unrealistic expectations on myself, other people putting their expectations on me, and me attributing things to God that He actually didn't say or expect. I'm trying to shake myself of the shoulds.
I realize this is all part of the process of getting older..of figuring out who I am, becoming comfortable with who I am and where I am. From that perspective, I welcome...I almost need to be...40.
But, oh the work to get there!
So I'm struggling through and am hoping there's actually a pot of gold on the other side of the hill or something close. I'll keep you posted...
Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.
I was really struck by this piece, particularly graf #4, which is pretty much the same litany that went through my head as I headed down the home stretch toward 40. And I felt guilty for feeling that way, for thinking about what I didn't have, because I, in fact, had so much--a great job, a best sister, a place to live. I finally figured out that it was okay to grieve the fact that the picture I had in my head of life at 40 didn't match reality. Grieving the loss of that image didn't mean I didn't appreciate all the blessing of my current life, it simply meant that I was letting go of a version of myself, which is always hard. It took a while, but once I gave myself permission to grieve, I also found myself being able to let go of "the shoulds" and to look at not what the younger me wanted out of life, but what the me right now wants out of life. Some of those things are the same--the husband, the kids--but what's different is that I'm finally gaining the wisdom to squarely look at the barriers to those things and figure out how to address them. I've also lost that sense of anxiousness, at least on most days. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to let yourself grieve--by grieving, you start to let go of the past, which frees up an awful lot of space for engaging fully in the present and realizing you have in fact learned a whole lot of stuff about life that you now have the maturity to put into practice.
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