my relationship status is single.

I think because my fortieth (I can't write the number yet...) birthday is approaching faster than I'd like, I've been thinking a lot about the status of my life. Usually, I start thinking about the state of my life a month or two prior to my birthday but I think because this is a big one, I'm preoccupied with it. In a million years, I would never have thought that I would be this age, unmarried and childless.

I've wanted to be married since I was 12 years old. I remember thinking at 12, that I would be married by the time I was 18. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure my mother would never have allowed it!  At 17/18, I thought it was right around the corner despite the fact that I wasn't actually seeing anyone I could marry. I went to lunch with a male friend every day my senior year and we would talk about that type of stuff. In my college essay, I wrote about my future which held a thriving medical practice but also marriage and five kids.

I believe that, like many women, my relationship with my father has heavily influenced my status. I have a hard time trusting men. I have a hard time believing the things they say. Now that I'm older, I can see how my early experiences shaped my relative intolerance for what I perceive as bullshit. Unfortunately, and I recognize this as something I need to work on, once you trigger my bullshit detector, I find myself unable to deal with you. This makes me a bit intolerant. But I'm not sure that's an entirely a bad thing.

Some folks would say its me. That I'm standing in my own way. And perhaps that's true. I don't often meet men who I find stimulating. I mean I meet men who I want to see naked but really nothing more.

It could also be that the kind of man I want/need they don't make very often. And I'm probably even more limited by the fact that I prefer a black man. I guess I would consider a Latino but a Caucasian or Asian...not so much. There's a variety of reasons why that's the case. Well really one main reason I won't mention here. I don't have a list of the type of man I want but I do know that he would need to be an open kind of man and one who wasn't too interested in trying to control me. At the same time he would need to be able to tell me to go sit down somewhere. I'm a little on the strong side.

I think I come off too hard or something. My mouth is too smart. I'm too independent. I appear to not need a man. And on some level that's true. I own my own business. I own my own home. I travel and do what I want to do and don't need someone else to fund these things. I'm not rich (yet) but I'm certainly not poor.  Men tend to love me for the same reasons they end up not liking me so much. I'm a great friend but Lolah is a whole lot to get involved with. Most men don't seem to have that type of energy. I've even been called scarey by a guy who I was attracted to but ultimately could not have been with.

I have thoughts of adopting a child when I'm 42. It's enough time for me to get out of debt and get my life together and I'd still have the energy to mother. I desperately want to mother but I don't desperately want to be married. At least I don't think so. Or at least that's what I say. I think I'm loathe to admit I want a husband. I think I perceive it as a weakness. I'm not sure why.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not lamenting my situation. Please don't post any comments that I could  perceive as encouraging. Perhaps it's true I just haven't met him yet. Perhaps it's true that I just need to stay encouraged and hold on. Perhaps. These things I already know and have been  told a cajillion  times so, really, it's not necessary. This is just a topic I've been thinking about and reflecting on.  So you may see related posts.

Thanking you in advance....always remember, Jesus loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or what your issues are. I'm living proof.