I've been thinking a lot about a visit I had with my ex and his family over Christmas (see..boundary issues) and how my relationship with him possibly ruined me for every relationship I've had since. So I'm sitting there with this dude and his mom, who still after many, many moons and his failed marriage seems to love me to bits, and his kids (yes, his kids!), and his sister and I'm thinking...what the hell am I doing here? The scary part was that it all felt so comfortable and yet it was completely uncomfortable.
So me and this dude were probably together for about four years and, for the most part, this was my formative relationship. As he pointed out to his mom during the visit, if he was here, I was there (literally standing right next to him). That's how intense our relationship was. I spent all of my time with him. I would leave my friends at night to go sleep in his bed (his senior year we lived in the same dorm). I would see him almost everyday during our summer vacations...I mean I ate dinner at their house every night! During his graduation party, his father introduced me to his friends as his daughter-in-law. I absolutely adored this man and he adored me. The sight of him made me happy even in the middle of a fight. But I didn't think, for some reason, that we would ever get married (mostly I think because I couldn't imagine marrying anyone and, on some level, I still can't). And he ended up with the girl who was "the one who got away" (except she wasn't) and whose family background in terms of socioeconomics was more similar to his and whose parents, I'm assuming, he liked since he wasn't too keen on mine.
Our break up is too much to go into. He was married within two years. I moved to Chicago. Many would argue I was running away from him. My response...perhaps. Anyway, it took me forever to get over him and while I will always love him in some manner...I'm pretty sure it was a good idea we didn't get married.
So how did he ruin me? In my head, a relationship is what I had with him. Two almost completely intertwined individuals who derive a great deal of pleasure from one another. We shared our everyday. If I heard something on the radio, I would call him and vice versa. I was used to someone who wanted to see me everyday, who wanted to talk to me several times a day, who wanted to make me smile and laugh (and vice versa). Who openly and vocally thought I was great (and vice versa). I mean, we bought each other presents that we actually liked for goodness sakes. I remember telling God that I would know I had found my mate when our relationship was like this one, except new dude would love God as much as I did (read: be saved). When my future relationships didn't measure up to this, perhaps impossible, standard, I discounted them as not quite being real.
I only discovered this because in a conversation with a friend about relationships after the visit she exclaimed that I always do this...act like my relationships are/were NOT relationships. And I think it's mostly because I don't perceive them to be relationships because of this one relationship...you see now why I'm calling it formative, right? Sigh.
So I've realized I need to re-examine my expectations of men and what relationships are supposed to be like. Which basically means I have no idea. And I'm too old to NOT know. Aren't I? Of course, I'm not that girl anymore that was that dude's girlfriend. At the same time, I'm not that far off from that girl. Sure I've grown up. I'm an entrepreneur, I handle my business (sorta) and am an independent woman for the most part. I find myself living a life that I absolutely love and wonder if I'll ever get married or if I even want to. Yet I still have this ideal in my head that I need to deal with. Or do I? Is that ideal impossible...unrealistic....silly. Many of my married friends would say that I'm not living in reality. Then again I know some folks who've got this. But perhaps this should be continued on another day.
Don't forget...Jesus loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or what your issues are. I'm living proof.
Had one of those formative relationships as well and it took a previous marriage and a lot of soul searching to discover that what I thought we had and what I thought we were just wasn't... That was a bitter pill for me cause we were definitely soul mates for that moment in time but in retrospect my life would have been miserable had we decided to make a go of it and I'm so glad God gave him the insight to see that because I sure didn't!! I can truly say this, once you've truly put "him" behind you room will be made for the one that is to be. In the meantime keep living life, doing you and I promise when it is most inconvenient and least expected someone will sure enough come along and mess it all up =) That is my unsolicited two cents!
ReplyDeleteDear AGBM - 1. Love your name. 2. That's what all the married people say. Lol. (Although it certainly does seem you ended up with a winner!)
ReplyDeleteMe and this guy are definitely not meant for each other. Figured that out a long time ago. Hope my blog didn't indicate that I thought we were. But the visit certainly made me feel wistful which I suppose is normal.
Now to decide if I actually want to be married. That's the real questions. But that's another blog for another day!
Him Or Me (You)?
ReplyDeleteRelationships are formative for at least four reasons: 1) They are because they just are. Something happens in it, or we click, or it just feels right and that leaves a mark in my heart. 2) She or he is someone special and being with them, or they being with me makes what we have a defining experience. 3) The timing of our being together made everything RIGHT. or 4)I make or decide that this is/was a formative relationship. Because of what the relationship experience was to me, for whatever reason, I make it the standard.
In the first three cases neither person involved, necessarily, have anything to do with the formation or formative(ness); it is the phenomena of realationship. Yet, in the fourth case, I give the relationship it's formative meaning. Notwithstanding the favorable and even fantastic features, I decide that all relationships will be measured by this one. When this is the case, he/she didn't ruin me, I did it to myself.
Conversely, I wonder if standardizing my formative relationship actually devalues it. Shouldn't the experience of achieving love be it's own singular accomplishment? (especially since it occurs so rarely) Is it possible for me to cheat current or future relationships of their distinctive formative qualities by contrasting them with past ones.
Yes, I love the love I had. And I know how I want to be treated. But can't I best use that former formative relationship to in-form how I love better the next time? Do I have to use it as an expectation of others, or can it be my guide to make my next relationship a formative one?