i see you emily owens, m.d.

"...it's about whether a change on the outside can provoke change on the inside." Emily Owens, MD

So I admit that I watch a lot of TV. Usually with my computer on my lap because very early on in life I learned to do my homework with the TV on and it never stopped. I used to parse Hebrew verbs while watching Friends. True. Story. Anyway, so I've recently started watching Emily Owens, MD. I'm not a regular viewer but its a quirky little medical drama and I'm a sucker for quirky little medical dramas. I'm a little bummed it's been cancelled

So in last night's episode, Emily Owens, MD has a patient who inspired her to not be so predictable, to not do what was expected or the usual. I totally got it. As I enter my 40th year, I no longer want to be so predictable. I want to take chances. I want to do what's NOT expected. So much so, that I'm pretty certain that when I have to make a decision, I will go in the exact opposite of what's comfortable and expected of me. Now I don't want to make stupid choices, but there's something to be said for mixing it up a little and letting yourself do some free falling.

For Emily Owens, MD, to shake off her predictability, she went on a blind date. So in solidarity with Emily, I cut off my hair today. (I bet you thought I was going to say I went on a blind date. Ha! 1. There hasn't been enough time to go on a date since the episode aired last night. 2. Don't get me wrong, I am completely open to a blind date SO if there is someone you'd like to fix me up with...) My hair was half way down my back, and now it's much closer to my ears. I'm pretty sure my hairdresser cut off at least 8 inches in some places. There is NO ponytail available to me which scares the crap out of me but at the same time, I LOVE IT! It forces me to make a change. And in my book, change, is the way to go. Change can lead to the unexpected, the unusual, the unpredictable. And that's what I'm talking about.

Now I know the quote at the top of this blog was not really what this blog was about which, as far as I'm concerned, is perfectly okay. Still, I hope it gives you some food for thought. I'm convinced that changing my hair and maybe making some changes to the way I dress (I promise NOT to buy any more black AND I'm going to go back to wearing a bit of makeup daily) will help shift some of that predictability in me and in my life. In any event, it's worth a shot. (see, I did address the quote!)


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

the best tasting pickle i ever heard.

On our front porch.

So my sister and I are 3 years, 1 day, 23 hours and 17 minutes apart. Today we celebrated her birthday and, day after next, we'll celebrate mine. This is proof that we are not twins, although we've been asked that question many, many times (this would make sense to me if she didn't look like the Indian and I didn't look like the Negro).

There are reports that when I was very young, I peed her bed every night. Once when she socked me in the stomach, she talked to the iron to make me laugh so I wouldn't tell our mother. We were close but not close at the same time. I mean, when my mother was upset and we were about to undergo corporal punishment, we would stand in our closet and test belts together...trying to figure out which one hurt the least (We weren't very smart since we bought into the theory that smaller (read: thinner) belts hurt less. Anyone into S&M knows that this is patently untrue.). At the same time, I'm pretty sure she couldn't stand me. She had to share a room with me, her birthday with me, she never really got to have anything for herself. We were perpetually, "Paulette and Debbie."

I used to hide under her bed in the dark and grab her ankle when she walked by, scaring the crap out of her. I know. That wasn't very nice.

By the time my sister left for college, she pretty much ran away. I didn't blame her. I am not sure how she survived some of the horrible things that were said to her by my parents, things that were done and not done. Things that I'm pretty sure almost killed her spirit. It makes me cry to think of all the support she didn't receive just because my parents didn't quite understand her, and thus, rejected what they didn't understand. I know she has fought hard to recover herself from the things that were never given to her, stolen from her. I have vivid memories of certain events. I had no way to help her. And on some level, I'm not sure I wanted to.

Us in the animal print robes at fancy DC hotel.

Now we're grown up and somehow we've made our way to each other. We have fought hard for this relationship.I know people who have siblings who they don't like, who they don't talk to, they don't admire, who are not supportive, etc. I'm grateful that that's not my story.

I am not always the best sister in this deal.  I am often the quintessential little sister, spoiled rotten. My sister has, in the last decade, learned to not let me manipulate her. I've often taken every opportunity to push her away, yet my sister has remained faithful to me, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, one of my best friends. She stands firmly in my corner, proud of me, sure of me even when I'm not sure of myself.

She is the source of some of my best adventures and my most gut-busting laughs. She has expanded my world and exposed me to so much. Stuff I'm pretty sure I never would have known about had it not been for her.

I remember almost losing her seven years ago now. I was pissed because she couldn't rally to make the trip up to my family in New York for Christmas because she hadn't been feeling well. We ended up celebrating her birthday in the hospital a few weeks later. She was released and on the mend so I took my already planned trip to Chicago for a week. When I returned, I quickly made my way to her as she didn't sound quite right. That was a Tuesday. By Friday she was admitted to the ICU. By Sunday she was on a ventilator, unable to breathe for herself. I will never forget what it felt when I walked back into that room after they'd put her on the ventilator. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

After eight days, she pulled her ventilator tube out but did not wake up. I didn't pray during that time until the night the doctors were pushing hard for a lung biopsy which meant she would go back on the ventilator and be exposed to infection and possibly further complications by the procedure. I managed, "God you have to do something," or something like that. The next day when we walked into the ICU, her eyes were barely open, but they were open nonetheless. She was my own personal miracle.

I am often saddened by the fact that she has had so many struggles in her physical body. I don't understand her experience and I know I am not always the best at empathizing. She doesn't deserve what she's been through, and is still dealing with. Yet, she goes through each rough patch and comes out on the other side determined to live. Her ability to be introspective and reflective is something I aspire to.

Thankfuk she doesn't have on her adventure hat. Oy.

I used to leave for high school every morning at around 6:30am. When she was home from college, I had a habit of going downstairs to her room (her room was in the basement) to borrow things from her closet and ask her how I looked. Almost everyday, mad that I had woken her up so early, she would insist that not only had my forehead grown (or something to that effect) but that whatever I had on didn't look very good (She would ask the question, "Is that what you're wearing?). This would upset me to no end. And yet I would go downstairs everyday for the same punishment. That is the strength of our sisterly bond.

So on this occasion of your birthday, you should know that I love you, Paulette Beetie, even though I don't understand poetry! You're the best tasting pickle I ever heard!

#teampeebie #porkgirlsruleyo #donutsrock #immonsterfromtheBU #sorrythemantookyourwheelchair #sorrythemanjookedyou #whyareyousodotish #pleasereadthevaginapoem #gratefulyouremysister


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

i like to write in pencil.

In the interest of complete transparency, this is a re-post from 5/5/07. It's from my short-lived blog on MySpace (remember, MySpace? Ha!). In this post, my neuroses is showing. But I enjoyed, re-reading it nonetheless (I really am funny! Ijs...) so here you go. It's amazing how the more things change, the more things stay the same! (I will also admit to some minor editing...it was too darn long.)

Sometimes I like to write in pencil. Pencil can be erased. Sometimes I like to write in pencil because unlike life it allows for do overs. I can erase the words as if they never existed and write some new ones down. Ones with the correct meaning and the correct tone or that reflect what I really feel or mean to say. In real life, the things I say and do cannot be recalled. They cannot be erased. Even the things I do in the dark (that goes for you too!). Once done, it's done. Once said, it's said. Whether or not it comes back to bite me in the butt, that's another story.

Like most of you, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. There are tons of things I should not have done and even more things I should not have said. When you look up "perfect" in the dictionary, my picture is noticeably absent. Lol. You look up "trifling," "unwise," "neurotic," or "demanding," these are places where you might catch a glimpse of me with a big cheesy grin. Apparently I have no shame.

I try my best to live my life without regrets. It's a decision I made long ago. It doesn't always work but I really do try my best. I've done stuff and said stuff that I know I should not have but seeing as usually I can't take it back it doesn't, in theory, make sense to get upset about it. Every once in a while, okay more often than I care to admit, I do something where I'm like, "You've really screwed up!" But then I pray, ask for forgiveness from God (it's usually necessary), work on forgiving myself (I'm usually a lot harder on myself that God is), and try to move on from there. There are some situations I've caused in my life that only God can fix. Those I give to God and hope for the best. Sometimes I have to give them to God daily, sometimes it's a minute by minute situation, cause the human tendency is to worry about that which we cannot control. I am decidedly human. One of my favorite sayings is, "It is what it is." And it's true. "It" is what "it" often is and there is nothing you can do about it. And yet I know this is a cop out. I am trying to hide my humanity.

Learning to be okay with life, whatever it brings, can be hard. Well, not always. Sometimes things do turn out the way you want them to. You dream and the dreams come true. Sometimes you can't believe the dreams are coming true. These are the times when life is full of pleasure and it's easy to be grateful. Everything in life is okay, wonderful even. You are full of smiles and kind words. You are happy and you want the world to be happy with you. Lol. You are a superhero. 

But sometimes the dreams fall apart before they come to fruition and it's your fault. You said it. You did it. And you can't take it back. Sometimes as a result of our actions or words you end up with your feelings hurt. You are the cause of your own pain. Or you set off a chain of events with what you've said or what you've done that causes someone or something you care about to be hurt or even harmed (worse yet). And yet you have no choice but to live with yourself. You get a generous dose of the hard reality of life...you have to face and live with yourself. Sometimes its the worst punishment....humanity unveiled.

And yet even in the midst of all of that, you have to struggle to be grateful and search for the silver lining of the dark cloud. You have to find something to hold on to so as not sink into the dark abyss. Most of us spend a lot of time on the edge of that dark abyss whether we are willing to admit it or not. But trouble doesn't last always. Thank God.

So you see...sometimes I like to write in pencil simply because I can erase. And erasing... well...sometimes I need another chance. 

 I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

You should listen to Marilyn...

...because Marilyn is right.

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”― Marilyn Monroe

I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

debt. a true confession.

So every year I make grand statements about what I'm going to work on for the new year. Not quite resolutions, but definitely grand statements. Usually, I take on 3 or 4 things...my weight, my money, etc. I've finally come to realize that this approach does not work for me. Apparently, I can't do more than one thing at once.

So trying this new method of only tackling one thing at once, in 2013 I've decided to concentrate my efforts on reducing my debt, specifically my credit card debt. I'd like to adopt a baby in a few years and I realize that raising a child will take a lot of dough that I don't have right now. And it won't happen if I don't make some changes right now. And while my credit card debt is really just the tip of the iceberg, which makes me incredibly sad, it's a good starting place.

So last night I put on my brave face and faced my credit card debt. Usually, when I pay my bills, I try really hard not to look at the balances. They are so scary! But I barreled through, and wrote each balance down in an excel sheet and summed them. Needless to say, I am incredibly ashamed of the summed number. I am even more ashamed of the financial situation I've allowed myself to get in to. I know better, but I love to use the excuse that I'm not good with money. I realize it's a lie that I've let myself believe because it's easier than taking control of my finances.

So I've taken the first step. It's a little bit easier because I have a friend I'll be doing this with. And confessing some of my financial sins, the actions that I don't want to own and don't want anyone else to know about, will be cathartic, help me stay on track, and hopefully, release me from some of the shame.

I've taken all of my credit cards out of my purse. I was going to allow myself to buy a computer on credit this year, but realized I would be better off buying one in cash later this year. I'll just have to live with the resources I have and that will be okay. I'll live even though I feel like I won't. I want to pay my house and get new furniture for the living room. I may not do this in case, but I'm sure I'll be able to find an interest free deal for at least a year which is an acceptable way to buy furniture.

The first thing I'm paying off is actually my car. I'm almost done and should be making my last payment this month but because of some financial mismanagement on my part, I'm not unless I bite the bullet and pay the larger sum. I just might. There will very little money left for the month after that but it will make me feel so good, like I've accomplished something, that it may be worth it. Happy Birthday to me! And it will open up more money to tackle something else next month.

The next think to work on is getting myself on a budget. I don't even know what that is. I tend to work with  the money I have but don't force myself to monitor my spending, especially on eating out. I've already banned myself from Starbucks but there are so many things to spend my money on! I'm using a partitioned file folder for each month's receipts and am going to force myself to total them every month and then make changes accordingly.

So I welcome your suggestions for doing this as I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that there are plenty of books out there to  help me, so I'll take those recommendations to. But I have no idea which ones are good and which ones are not.  I've decided to view this as a courageous first step. What have you decided to face this year?


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

God and me and 40 Hard Things. An incomplete post.

As I thought about something to post tonight, I remembered that several years ago I began writing a book about my journey with God. When I re-read what I had written this evening, I was shocked. I remember being this person and I miss her desperately. So much has happened from then to now that has derailed my journey with God. This was a sweet reminder of where I once was and where I can be again.

The book is called, "40 Hard Things."  I've listed some of the hard things I came up with in this post. I think what I imagined was that for each hard thing, I would write about some of my experience with that hard thing and encourage the reader to delve into the hard thing themselves.

I was writing for Christians who want a deeper relationship with God as a Christian seeking to escape religion and find true relationship and closeness to God. I'm still on that journey despite the detours. Now the detours are interesting and some of them will eventually make the list of hard things. At some point, I may write about them on here. I may even finish the book.

From the Introduction:

In this world of “let’s make everything easy,” choosing to follow God, for it is a choice, is not for the faint at heart. It never has been.

Read the book. It chronicles the toughness of a life with God. Nowhere does God promise you the proverbial rose garden or an easy life of any sort. God promises you joy in the morning. God promises never to leave you or forsake you. God promises you a Comforter. God promises to order the steps of those who seek to live right before God. But God never says it will be easy.

Or does God? In Matthew 11:28-30, we read ““Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” In comparison to the yoke and burden of sin and death, the burden and yoke of life with Christ is easy. Key words here…in comparison.

This book is not about platitudes. It is not meant to bring you comfort. Much of it will not make you feel good, at least not in your flesh. But there is the possibility that your spirit will soar.

There’s no timeline to this book. It’s not a 40 days to your miracle sort of thing. For some it may take 40 days, maybe less. For others it will take much longer. Depends on you and what you’re willing to invest in this journey. This is not a good idea if you are not willing to look inside your heart and be honest. If that’s not where you are, close this book and come back when you are ready to do the inner work.

This is about inner work…about reaching a place of honesty with God that allows you to come to a place where you are face-to-face and there is nothing separating you. For many of us, that is a scary place and yet a place that we long to be.

Please don’t view the work that you might do here as an end in and of itself. It’s more part of your process, your journey with God. Some of the things you will find here will be easier to deal with and process.  Some things will take a bit of wrestling with yourself and with God. God is up to the challenge. Are you?

You cannot travel this road alone. It’s of no benefit if you do not invite God to travel with you. Each hard thing invites you to reflect and invites God’s revelation. It would also be useful to journal and see what God reveals to your heart.

Remember, God wants all of you…the good, the bad and the ugly. Go with God.

And now here's a taste of 40 Hard Things:

1. Look inside yourself. Do you really believe God loves you?
2. Life with God requires risk. What is blocking you from risking it all on God?
3. Healing is a process. Not all healing, in the broadest sense of that word, is instantaneous. If it is not instantaneous, is it somehow less miraculous, less God?
4. Don’t be afraid of power and authority. Of responsibility. Take the risk. Impact the kingdom for such a time as this. Esther 4: What are you being called to do that you are scared of?
5. Turn off the noise. Turn off what doesn’t work for you but against you. Sapping your focus and productivity. Turn it off. Hear God’s voice, trust God instead.
6. If you cannot suffer with him, you cannot glory with him. Suffering is not punishment, it’s preparation. Romans 8:17
7. Admit “it.” Whatever “it” is. God is seeking your heart honesty. Admit “it” and watch God work. Are you a doubter? Are you secretly angry with God? Do you feel duped? Do you feel God hasn’t lived up to his end of the deal? Are you wearing a mask of some sort? Are you disobedient because you refuse to take a risk on God? Psalm 139: 23-24
8. God is about community. No such thing as a one-man show in God’s kingdom. Every great leader had a supporting cast.
9. Let God out of the box you’ve put God in. God is only as big as you allow God to be.
10. Now let yourself out of the box you’ve put yourself in.
11. Where have you hidden your disappointment? Disappointment comes in when we think God is going to do something that doesn’t happen. We had it all figured out in our head. Therein lies the problem. “We” had it all figured out.

I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

django and me, unchained

So I was supposed to write about Django tonight. I really enjoyed it. As per usual, I disagree with a lot of the criticism. I am not a Tarantino fan. But I don't think that his use of the n-word was somehow gratuitous or that he took some sort of sick satisfaction in using the word repeatedly (apparently 100 times at least). It's set in 1858, I'm pretty sure that Black folks were hardly referred to as anything else in that time period. The film points to the absurdity of racism. It showed the rage of Black men (which they every right to, then and now) and prominently exhibited the horrors of slavery (purposeful separation of families, use of hotboxes, dogs, intimidation, etc.). In watching, I considered that history, all of it, doesn't belong to any one group of people although we like to act like it does. I viewed it as a work of art than more anything else and I certainly didn't take it too seriously. Tarantino is entitled to his opinion and his interpretation, as are you and I.

So that's it about Django cause that's not really what I want to talk about. I'm much more interested in the conversations I've been having with women who are surprised by my admittance that I'd like to be married and have children. Some have assumed that just because I want these things that I am somehow dissatisfied with my life, or that maybe I think the grass is greener on the other side. I think that the grass is different on the other side, but certainly not greener. I have now lived at least half of my life, and have seen and experienced lots of things which have taught me the value and the pitfalls of relationship.

Now, I hardly have it all figured out. I'm pretty sure I'd be scared witless if I actually got into a viable relationship with marriage potential. I'm pretty sure I'd try to sabotage it, and would be gobsmacked if the man didn't let that happen. I'm sure I've written about vulnerability on this blog somewhere. It scares the crap out of me. But most days I feel ready for the challenge.

Men also seem to be under misconception that just because you're a woman of a certain age, unmarried and without children, but want those things, that you are somehow desperate and willing to settle. I recently had an experience with a man who came on like gangbusters. He wasn't really my type (whatever that means) but his approach intrigued me and I found myself wide open to his advances. We were communicating daily and I was hopeful but cautious, after all it was early on and he didn't owe me anything. And then he disappeared for three days (not a long period of time but strange when we'd had daily communication for period of time) giving the explanation when he resurfaced that he just needed a break. I was confused since he was the one  that set the tone of communicating everyday. I mean, he should have told me he needed a break BEFORE he took a break (that, to me, is what grown-ups do). Needless to say, while our communication continued after that, I lost the loving feeling. I realized that he seriously thought I would still be just as interested in spite of his behavior. Now, I continued communication because I'm a woman and I like male attention (men are not the only ones who do stuff like that!), but from that point on, I wasn't really interested and it's not going to go anywhere. I talked to him when he called, but never initiated a call. After all, I'm worth more than that.

I think that because of the Western ideas of either/or that we think that a person can only want one type of life. If they don't have that life, then we think they think that they are lacking. Whereas, I subscribe to a both/and way of thinking. Where both lives, the life I have and another life, can both be equally satisfying but in different ways. I love being single. I love doing what I want when I want (that is seriously the best part!...that and sleeping in the middle of the bed...ijs). I have a full life with lots of love. I'm continually grateful because I know I live a lot better than a lot of people in this world. It didn't have to be this way or this good. I would be happy to continue in this life. At the same time, I would also like to experience the joys, challenges, and pitfalls of a different kind of life. Maybe one that involves having a husband or a child, or a husband and a child(ren). Maybe one that involves elements that are far better than I could have  imagined for myself.

What I've figured out in my practically 40 years of living is that Paul was right.

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through [Christ] who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:11-13

The best way to live is to be content in whatever state you find yourself. That doesn't mean you can't give voice to what you want or would like to see happen in your life. After all, what is life without dreams and aspirations, without hope. But that has to be balanced with knowing (and believing) that life is good, right here and right now, for indeed it is.


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

the damn blame game...a stupid post...

*Spoiler Alert: This is a stupid post.

You know those days when you are feeling really, really good and you're being productive and feeling on top of the world and, therefore, thinking you can conquer it? Well, that was me yesterday. And now it's today and I have no idea what I'm supposed to write about and I'm supposed to be blogging everyday for the next thirty days because I took Phillipa's challenge and I don't even KNOW Phillipa. Damn Phillipa. Okay, not damn Phillipa. Like I said, I don't even know Phillipa so it's not like I should be damning her. After all, she didn't personally challenge me but I had to be all "I'm-big-and-bad-and-I-can-handle-that-challenge-no-sweat" and now look where I am. Sigh. That was yesterday.

So who am I supposed to blame? Oh yea, that damn Paulette. She's the one who told me about the damn challenge. I can't blame her either. Her birthday is next week and that's just plain mean and while I'm often not a nice girl, I am certainly nicer than that!

I also agreed to do the December squat challenge in January. Yet, another mistake. Sigh.

Okay...until tomorrow...


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Happy New Year! Amen.

HNY!

Last night I didn't go to church which is my normal practice. Instead I putzed around my home enjoying small victories. The greatest one being hanging the white board I bought yesterday while only putting 2 holes in the dry wall and using anchors/screws (which was the appropriate hardware to use) even though I didn't have a drill. I need a drill. Darn, my white board looks the bomb. It's level, too! (Can you tell how proud I am of myself?)

I said a prayer at midnight, missed my church a little and spoke to my sister for a while. I felt good. My house was clean, clothes washed, garbage out. It was a good way to start the new year. Happy with where I am in life. Happy with who I am. It made it easy to fall asleep.

This morning I woke up thinking about what kind of man I'd like to enter my life. I know...kinda strange. You would think that I would have woken up thinking more about being 40 in a week and two days. Lol. In the last six months, I have had so much angst about my impending birthday that I was verklempt continually (yes, I am slowly turning into an old Jewish woman). I thought I had to change everything in my life. Come to find out I really only had to change one thing to have some peace. I am thankful that I figured out what that one thing was and that I had the courage to take that step. It's left me thinking a lot about freedom and change, love and choices, responsibility and happiness, especially yesterday. And subconsciously, apparently, I've been thinking about what kind of man I'd like to be with.

So I made a list of this man in my journal and it's been on my mind ever since. The list is short and not in order of importance.

1. Someone who sees me for myself, my good, bad and ugly, and loves me anyway.
2. Someone who has my back and will go to war for me.
3. Someone who loves me as fiercely as I love him.
4. Someone who is secure in himself and lives authentically.
5. Someone who loves God and is a man after God's own heart.

I'm a good woman. And everything I want, I realize, I am fully prepared to give. After all, isn't that how it works?

It's amazing how different this list is from any list I have ever made before about this sort of stuff. I am sure there are things I could add. But in so many ways, this list covers it all. Now I pray that not only do I recognize him when he comes, but that I'm open to him, too.


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Happy New Year! Amen.

...that b!*%h, Expectation...

In the case of uncertainty, Expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order. - Wikipedia, 9/14/12

Expectation ruined my life. Okay, fine. Maybe Expectation didn't ruin my life but I sure would like to blame her. When I look back over my life at all of the unfulfilled expectation, I need someone (thing) to blame and it might as well be that b!*%h!

Expectations can be so very difficult to manage. And while I've been  told to manage my expectations all of my adult life, I think I viewed it as a trite statement you made to someone who was facing a situation that might cause grave disappointment. I really thought it was just one of those things people said. I didn't know you were really supposed to do it. I'm not sure I thought it was really possible AND I certainly didn't know how to do it...at least I didn't think i did.

So here's the thing. Life is about choices...passive or active...we are constantly making choices. And making choices is not easy and can be quite tiresome (my proof). This applies to how you (I) manage (or make decisions about) your (my) expectations. You (I) choose to have high or low or middle-of-the-road expectations. You (I) choose to lower high expectations and heighten low expectations.

Now here's the tricky part...how does one determine when to have high or low expectations? This is what I've been struggling with most recently and I've come to the conclusion that it's all about how you frame things. I'm learning how to recognize unrealistic expectations. I cannot lose 10lbs in a week (at least not in a healthy way). However, I can lose 2. I have had to learn to embrace that 2, expect that 2 and DECIDE to not be too hard on myself if I don't accomplish the 2. I've realized that it's all about how I frame things and how I decide, or choose, how to think about things. How I frame in my head is the difference between me continuing to strive for the 2lb weight loss (a reasonable, doable weight loss goal for a week) even if I don't make it OR being so devastated by the failure that I cease trying.

I met a guy a few months back...we hit it off immediately. The "hit off" was so immediate that I was completely caught off guard by it. How on earth could I have such a strong connection to someone I'd only spent a few hours with and who did not live in the same place as me. so we had contact everyday from there on out. EVERYDAY. It was fun and strange and scarey. I began to realize I was having all kinds of expectations which made me throw on the brakes. This man...who I didn't know, who I'd never even spent any one-on-one time with (sorry, guys, texts and calls do not a relationship make!!!)...didn't owe me anything. Sure we were spending virtual time together but, in truth, it wasn't really real. It was not smart to expect anything from him because, in reality, he didn't owe me anything. The relationship had a lot of potential but that was about it. This mental re-frame helped me a few weeks later when some iffy stuff went down (we are still in communication). If I hadn't reigned in/adjusted my expectations, it would have been disastrous. A year ago, before I started taking responsibility for how I handle that b, it would have been disastrous!

So, yeah, Expectation is a darn b!*%h if for no other reason than it's hard as heck to manage her. And I'm still learning how to and that sucks since I've been out of my momma's womb for almost 40 years (and, yes, i do like to inform my mother of that on a regular basis...Ha!) I mean...why can't people and situations come with Expectation labels so I would know how to proceed. Each person/situation could be branded: LOW, HIGH, NEUTRAL, NONE, etc. I'm just sayin'....

But until then, I'll just have to keep working on managing that b!*%h, Expectation.


Always remember Jesus loves you...it doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are (as a result of unmet expectation). I'm living proof.

hidden in plain sight.

Surprisingly, I'm teaching a class on ministry and leadership development at my church's bible college. I mean I'm not unqualified. I possess leadership skills and abilities. Every once in a while, I even demonstrate them. I'm seminary-trained. I, for the most part, get the whole ministry thing. It's just curious because I'm not a recognized minister or that much of a leader at my church. I bring this up because the thing that I'm most struck by is that it's an answer to long-given-up-on prayer.

I'm at (one of) the stage(s) of my life where I am questioning everything. One of the biggest questions I am currently facing is, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" When I first left seminary (seminary=one of the most defining experiences of my life thus far), I knew I wasn't going to seek out a church job. I'm not called to be pastor (praise Jehovah!) and at the time I was getting married. Post-seminary was supposed to be the time for my fiance to pursue his dream (I didn't want to be with a man who had regrets later on) so I knew I would be headed back toward some semblance of my old vocational life. Eventually I would be able to go back to school (PhD="should" in my life=read previous posts) as I wanted to end up teaching in a seminary (Teaching= one of my primary giftings). I wanted to train/influence ministers even though I didn't necessarily want to be one (yes, I know...but have you met me?). Needless to say, things didn't quite end up as planned.

I sometimes think God can't/doesn't hear me. These doubts surface because God is either not responding fast enough OR not in the fashion that I'd like for God to respond in. I often (read=ALWAYS) get these ideas in my head of how things are supposed to play out. Doesn't God know that life is supposed to go according to my plan? So often I miss God's voice and God's movement when just because I have no sense of what God is doing, it doesn't mean that God is not getting it done.

For a lot of my life, I've been built up by others in my faith community that I was supposed to be somebody. I've heard these things since I was young. And I drank the kool-aid. After all, I was prepared, anointed, and, perhaps, even appointed. I harbored dreams of profound impact..perhaps even global domination (just  kidding...sort of). I am coming to recognize that the interpretation of what it meant to be somebody, this idea that I had bought into, is not necessarily God's interpretation of what it means to be somebody. I know, it was an aha! moment for me too. This may be an aside but it may also be key to my story.

What I have found in my experience of walking with God is that often my prayers are answered and I don't even realize it. When I finally recognize these miracles in my life (for indeed they are miracles), I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. But I am pretty sure that for every one prayer I recognize as answered, there are 100 answered prayers for which I've never told God thank you.

The thing that generally keeps me from recognizing my answer to prayer is that it didn't come in the package I expected. (Expectation really kills a lot of things.) Every once in a while, I get answers in neon lights but usually that's not the case. Sometimes I feel like the answers hide in plain sight (which if you watch Breaking Bad,  or are a member of WITSEC, is the most clever place to hide!). It's more likely that I just wasn't paying attention, especially since the answer is usually not the one I was looking for.

I thought when I gave up the idea of pursuing a PhD awhile back that I had also given up my dream of ever teaching in a seminary. And, indeed, that may be true. I'm actually okay with that. Life is about choices and I have my reasons for making that choice. What's been most revelatory in teaching this class is that God has indeed given me what I wanted. God  has answered my prayer in the most unexpected but wonderful way. I am being the impact I've wanted to be. It's not to a seminary but on some level I'm more blessed by teaching in this small bible college, impacting individuals within my faith tradition who will never go to seminary, but who are/will minister to the people of God in the most important space for Christianity...the local church. At the end of the day, THAT is what I wanted.

So I'm grateful for revelation. I'm grateful for perspective. I'm grateful for becoming more grounded and for being, at least in one aspect of my life, exactly where I'm supposed be, doing what I'm gifted to do. Even in the midst of taking stock of myself and trying to figure out what comes next, I am indeed grateful.


Always remember Jesus loves you...it doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

what I've learned from Breaking Bad thus far...

SPOILER ALERT  ::  SPOILER ALERT :: SPOILER ALERT :: SPOILER ALERT 

So if you have not watched Breaking Bad on AMC, I feel a little sad for you. I mean, talk about good television! I'm not their spokesperson (although I could be) but I basically watched 4 years of the show in about two weeks. It's that good (or I'm a little obsessive....or both!). You can watch the first four seasons on Netflix. The second half of season 5 doesn't air until Summer 2013. I'm a little depressed.

I've also learned some useful and important life lessons from this show. I could easily make a list of like 50 things, if not more, that I've learned. But I won't do that to you since I think you should watch the show despite the spoilers. Therefore, I'm limiting my list to 10 of the biggest lessons. If you're a fan...feel free to add your own life lessons to this list.

1. Do not lie to your wife. I mean you can and you probably will. But when she figures out you've lied,  you are in BIG trouble. She will no longer want to have sex with you AND throw you out of the house. She will think you're having an affair. Somehow, the fact that you're really cooking meth and not cheating on her will not make her any less mad. Go figure.

2. Walts are bad news. If you meet a guy named Walt, run, do not walk, in the other direction. He will eventually kill you.

3. Do not sell drugs. Or sell them, just don't get involved with any men named Tuco who are crazy. Also, don't sell on someone else's corner. And if a little kid keeps circling you with his bike on said corner, it is very likely that he is going to shoot you dead. Ijs...

4. A radiologist's job is really not that simple. Say, for instance, you have cancer and you determine from looking at the scan (MRI or Cat or whatever) that you just took that your cancer has spread and you are dying. You are very likely reading the scan incorrectly as you are not a radiologist. In fact, you are probably getting better and have put yourself through a lot of nonsense for no apparent reason. Leave the doctoring to the doctors!

5.  Don't let your wife hide your drug money. She will give it to her ex-lover, who is also her former boss, to pay his tax bill. He will use some of that money to lease a luxury car and NOT pay his taxes.

6. You can make up your own moniker. I know that usually the rule is you can't give yourself your own nickname but if you're a drug dealer you totally can!!! I mean, you need a fake name to operate under, after all. Just don't choose Heisenberg, it's already taken.

7. If you attend Narcotics Anonymous, you should be fully invested. You really can't half-step a 12-step program and you certainly shouldn't try to sell meth there. The crowd is surprisingly resistant to buying said drugs.

8. Meth heads are crazy and may kill you by accident if they're mad at you for calling them names. If you're in the company of a meth head while you happen to be trying to open an ATM machine with a blowtorch from underneath at the same time you're calling said meth head names, be careful they don't kick the contraption that has the ATM machine jacked up. This will crush your head and kill you. Just a precautionary tale!

9. Do not pretend you don't have a second cell phone. This is part of the don't lie to your wife thing. Cause then you'll end up having major surgery and as the anesthesia kicks in, you will cop to the lie leaving your wife furious and super suspicious which ultimately leads her to find out you ARE a drug dealer which is what having the second cell phone was supposed to avoid!

10. If someone gives you a list of people to kill, you should do it. If you don't, they will undoubtedly add you to the list and get some other person on the list to do the killing. Of course, you will end up killing the hired assassin AND possibly killing the person who came up with the list as well.

...and one more for good measure...

11. Jesses are good people. He may appear a bad seed but he's really just looking for love in all the wrong places. So if you meet a Jesse, you should totally be his friend.

P.S. If you sell drugs, do not use your product. I didn't list this one because, one, it seems too obvious and, two, I've learned that from a lot of shows...The Wire, Weeds, The Cleaner, Sons of Anarchy, etc.


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are (even a drug dealer or cook or mule or meth head), what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

two girl crushes and a pair of shoes...

I don't usually do talk shows but last week I happened to catch the second episode of Katie Couric's new show, "Katie" and found myself with two...yes, TWO....new girl crushes....in less than one hour!!!

My first new girl crush is Brene Brown, a researcher from University of Houston's School of Social Work, who has been studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame for over a decade. I am truly inspired by her TED Talk on the Power of Vulnerability. I have a lot to learn here. It's the place I struggle with more than anything.

My other new girl crush is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess herself. Of course everyone  in the world (read: my sister who is a total BOASTER!) knew who she was except me. I totally want to be her when I grow up minus the whole she's white thing and the cussing. She cusses a lot. Check her out at The Bloggess.

Oh, and shoes. I was thinking that this tagline on this blog mentions shoes yet I never post anything about shoes. So here is my newest pair of shoes...I LOVE them and am trying to wear them as much as possible before the weather really changes! Admire at will....

Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.

My reaction to Five Things

My sister, who is awesome and a much better writer than I will ever be, recently wrote a blog post (http://thehomebeete.com/2012/09/10/five-things/) on her experience of writing love poems using a method I can't remember but you basically use other people's words to compose the poem. Her blog post was a list of five things she was learning as she wrote these poems...# 3 struck me like a sledgehammer.

3. All the men I grew up with cheated—my father, his father, his brothers. On my mother’s side, too (though maybe not her stepfather). They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them.

She is my sister. We share a similar experience. I've got bonuses though.

When I was maybe 23 or 24, I got the distinct pleasure of meeting one of my father's mistresses (i am assuming there were multiple. if there's one...than it is likely there was more than one). I didn't know this when I met her of course. She heard me say my last name and asked me if I was my parent's daughter. The Caribbean community is large and small in NY so on some level it was just a matter of time before I ran into someone my parents knew considering who I was working for at the time. That evening I went home and called both of my parents to tell them I met this person. My father gave me a relatively non-commital, "Yes, I know her." My mother promptly told me that she had been a friend who had an affair with my father while she was living in their house. Nice.There are other stories that I won't share here. But I didn't realize that this stuff affected me DEEPLY. Not until now when I am thinking of trying to sustain a relationship and it seems, in my mind, an almost impossible task.

I worry that I am cheater because my father was a cheater. Like maybe I've picked up this trait from him similar to my risk for diabetes and my ability to continually flip through channels and stay up really late watching TV. I've cheated before. Funny. It was with a person who was so much less (IMO) than my partner and from whom I was really only seeking attention. I wasn't in the same geographic location as my boyfriend at the time; I was craving the attention that I was used to getting. I learned that lesson through the experience in though I never got caught and I hope I would never do it again. But I don't know. It worries me.

They thought only that they could make themselves enough if they had many women. It's weird because the math that my sister does is not the math I've done all my life. My math: One woman is not enough = I am not enough because I am a woman. I am working through this now...this math. It's wrong math. It's like saying 2+2=5. Except I didn't really realize I was thinking until I saw my sister's math.  Is this why a long lasting relationship has been so elusive? The way a person thinks can easily dictate their life. Even weirder...I balance this mathematical equation against the notion that I am too much. I have been told that by many a man. Okay maybe not many. But it only takes a few key men to make stinkin'  thinkin' stick in a woman's head. Sometimes it only takes one.

Nobody considered that the little girls who adored them would learn to never trust a man who was supposed to love them. It's true. In a past relationship, in the beginning the man adored me and was very verbal about it. My response to his words of adoration were always negative. I didn't believe anything he said and it came across in my response...sometimes nonchalance...sometimes flippant disagreement. He began to begin sentences with, "I know you don't believe me but..." And eventually he stopped saying the things he thought I wouldn't believe. I've learned to keep quiet about what I don't believe, but I still discount. It's my go-to thinking.

I didn't write this blog to offer a resolution. I've had no great epiphany that's completely revolutionized my life. I was actually just so struck by my reaction to her list; I needed to write it down. The notions are all competing. I know that part of processing them helps me to begin to find resolution or at least increase my awareness. They are, after all, insane notions...I am not enough...I am too much...I am not worthy of love...I am unable to conduct a long-term relationship. I do not doubt that these ideas will continue to haunt me. But I know they will have less power. Perhaps I will be quicker to recognize them and, therefore, work toward taking away their power altogether. Hope is a good thing.


Always remember Jesus loves you...doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, or what your issues are. I'm living proof.