i see you emily owens, m.d.

"...it's about whether a change on the outside can provoke change on the inside." Emily Owens, MD

So I admit that I watch a lot of TV. Usually with my computer on my lap because very early on in life I learned to do my homework with the TV on and it never stopped. I used to parse Hebrew verbs while watching Friends. True. Story. Anyway, so I've recently started watching Emily Owens, MD. I'm not a regular viewer but its a quirky little medical drama and I'm a sucker for quirky little medical dramas. I'm a little bummed it's been cancelled

So in last night's episode, Emily Owens, MD has a patient who inspired her to not be so predictable, to not do what was expected or the usual. I totally got it. As I enter my 40th year, I no longer want to be so predictable. I want to take chances. I want to do what's NOT expected. So much so, that I'm pretty certain that when I have to make a decision, I will go in the exact opposite of what's comfortable and expected of me. Now I don't want to make stupid choices, but there's something to be said for mixing it up a little and letting yourself do some free falling.

For Emily Owens, MD, to shake off her predictability, she went on a blind date. So in solidarity with Emily, I cut off my hair today. (I bet you thought I was going to say I went on a blind date. Ha! 1. There hasn't been enough time to go on a date since the episode aired last night. 2. Don't get me wrong, I am completely open to a blind date SO if there is someone you'd like to fix me up with...) My hair was half way down my back, and now it's much closer to my ears. I'm pretty sure my hairdresser cut off at least 8 inches in some places. There is NO ponytail available to me which scares the crap out of me but at the same time, I LOVE IT! It forces me to make a change. And in my book, change, is the way to go. Change can lead to the unexpected, the unusual, the unpredictable. And that's what I'm talking about.

Now I know the quote at the top of this blog was not really what this blog was about which, as far as I'm concerned, is perfectly okay. Still, I hope it gives you some food for thought. I'm convinced that changing my hair and maybe making some changes to the way I dress (I promise NOT to buy any more black AND I'm going to go back to wearing a bit of makeup daily) will help shift some of that predictability in me and in my life. In any event, it's worth a shot. (see, I did address the quote!)


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

the best tasting pickle i ever heard.

On our front porch.

So my sister and I are 3 years, 1 day, 23 hours and 17 minutes apart. Today we celebrated her birthday and, day after next, we'll celebrate mine. This is proof that we are not twins, although we've been asked that question many, many times (this would make sense to me if she didn't look like the Indian and I didn't look like the Negro).

There are reports that when I was very young, I peed her bed every night. Once when she socked me in the stomach, she talked to the iron to make me laugh so I wouldn't tell our mother. We were close but not close at the same time. I mean, when my mother was upset and we were about to undergo corporal punishment, we would stand in our closet and test belts together...trying to figure out which one hurt the least (We weren't very smart since we bought into the theory that smaller (read: thinner) belts hurt less. Anyone into S&M knows that this is patently untrue.). At the same time, I'm pretty sure she couldn't stand me. She had to share a room with me, her birthday with me, she never really got to have anything for herself. We were perpetually, "Paulette and Debbie."

I used to hide under her bed in the dark and grab her ankle when she walked by, scaring the crap out of her. I know. That wasn't very nice.

By the time my sister left for college, she pretty much ran away. I didn't blame her. I am not sure how she survived some of the horrible things that were said to her by my parents, things that were done and not done. Things that I'm pretty sure almost killed her spirit. It makes me cry to think of all the support she didn't receive just because my parents didn't quite understand her, and thus, rejected what they didn't understand. I know she has fought hard to recover herself from the things that were never given to her, stolen from her. I have vivid memories of certain events. I had no way to help her. And on some level, I'm not sure I wanted to.

Us in the animal print robes at fancy DC hotel.

Now we're grown up and somehow we've made our way to each other. We have fought hard for this relationship.I know people who have siblings who they don't like, who they don't talk to, they don't admire, who are not supportive, etc. I'm grateful that that's not my story.

I am not always the best sister in this deal.  I am often the quintessential little sister, spoiled rotten. My sister has, in the last decade, learned to not let me manipulate her. I've often taken every opportunity to push her away, yet my sister has remained faithful to me, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, one of my best friends. She stands firmly in my corner, proud of me, sure of me even when I'm not sure of myself.

She is the source of some of my best adventures and my most gut-busting laughs. She has expanded my world and exposed me to so much. Stuff I'm pretty sure I never would have known about had it not been for her.

I remember almost losing her seven years ago now. I was pissed because she couldn't rally to make the trip up to my family in New York for Christmas because she hadn't been feeling well. We ended up celebrating her birthday in the hospital a few weeks later. She was released and on the mend so I took my already planned trip to Chicago for a week. When I returned, I quickly made my way to her as she didn't sound quite right. That was a Tuesday. By Friday she was admitted to the ICU. By Sunday she was on a ventilator, unable to breathe for herself. I will never forget what it felt when I walked back into that room after they'd put her on the ventilator. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

After eight days, she pulled her ventilator tube out but did not wake up. I didn't pray during that time until the night the doctors were pushing hard for a lung biopsy which meant she would go back on the ventilator and be exposed to infection and possibly further complications by the procedure. I managed, "God you have to do something," or something like that. The next day when we walked into the ICU, her eyes were barely open, but they were open nonetheless. She was my own personal miracle.

I am often saddened by the fact that she has had so many struggles in her physical body. I don't understand her experience and I know I am not always the best at empathizing. She doesn't deserve what she's been through, and is still dealing with. Yet, she goes through each rough patch and comes out on the other side determined to live. Her ability to be introspective and reflective is something I aspire to.

Thankfuk she doesn't have on her adventure hat. Oy.

I used to leave for high school every morning at around 6:30am. When she was home from college, I had a habit of going downstairs to her room (her room was in the basement) to borrow things from her closet and ask her how I looked. Almost everyday, mad that I had woken her up so early, she would insist that not only had my forehead grown (or something to that effect) but that whatever I had on didn't look very good (She would ask the question, "Is that what you're wearing?). This would upset me to no end. And yet I would go downstairs everyday for the same punishment. That is the strength of our sisterly bond.

So on this occasion of your birthday, you should know that I love you, Paulette Beetie, even though I don't understand poetry! You're the best tasting pickle I ever heard!

#teampeebie #porkgirlsruleyo #donutsrock #immonsterfromtheBU #sorrythemantookyourwheelchair #sorrythemanjookedyou #whyareyousodotish #pleasereadthevaginapoem #gratefulyouremysister


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

i like to write in pencil.

In the interest of complete transparency, this is a re-post from 5/5/07. It's from my short-lived blog on MySpace (remember, MySpace? Ha!). In this post, my neuroses is showing. But I enjoyed, re-reading it nonetheless (I really am funny! Ijs...) so here you go. It's amazing how the more things change, the more things stay the same! (I will also admit to some minor editing...it was too darn long.)

Sometimes I like to write in pencil. Pencil can be erased. Sometimes I like to write in pencil because unlike life it allows for do overs. I can erase the words as if they never existed and write some new ones down. Ones with the correct meaning and the correct tone or that reflect what I really feel or mean to say. In real life, the things I say and do cannot be recalled. They cannot be erased. Even the things I do in the dark (that goes for you too!). Once done, it's done. Once said, it's said. Whether or not it comes back to bite me in the butt, that's another story.

Like most of you, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. There are tons of things I should not have done and even more things I should not have said. When you look up "perfect" in the dictionary, my picture is noticeably absent. Lol. You look up "trifling," "unwise," "neurotic," or "demanding," these are places where you might catch a glimpse of me with a big cheesy grin. Apparently I have no shame.

I try my best to live my life without regrets. It's a decision I made long ago. It doesn't always work but I really do try my best. I've done stuff and said stuff that I know I should not have but seeing as usually I can't take it back it doesn't, in theory, make sense to get upset about it. Every once in a while, okay more often than I care to admit, I do something where I'm like, "You've really screwed up!" But then I pray, ask for forgiveness from God (it's usually necessary), work on forgiving myself (I'm usually a lot harder on myself that God is), and try to move on from there. There are some situations I've caused in my life that only God can fix. Those I give to God and hope for the best. Sometimes I have to give them to God daily, sometimes it's a minute by minute situation, cause the human tendency is to worry about that which we cannot control. I am decidedly human. One of my favorite sayings is, "It is what it is." And it's true. "It" is what "it" often is and there is nothing you can do about it. And yet I know this is a cop out. I am trying to hide my humanity.

Learning to be okay with life, whatever it brings, can be hard. Well, not always. Sometimes things do turn out the way you want them to. You dream and the dreams come true. Sometimes you can't believe the dreams are coming true. These are the times when life is full of pleasure and it's easy to be grateful. Everything in life is okay, wonderful even. You are full of smiles and kind words. You are happy and you want the world to be happy with you. Lol. You are a superhero. 

But sometimes the dreams fall apart before they come to fruition and it's your fault. You said it. You did it. And you can't take it back. Sometimes as a result of our actions or words you end up with your feelings hurt. You are the cause of your own pain. Or you set off a chain of events with what you've said or what you've done that causes someone or something you care about to be hurt or even harmed (worse yet). And yet you have no choice but to live with yourself. You get a generous dose of the hard reality of life...you have to face and live with yourself. Sometimes its the worst punishment....humanity unveiled.

And yet even in the midst of all of that, you have to struggle to be grateful and search for the silver lining of the dark cloud. You have to find something to hold on to so as not sink into the dark abyss. Most of us spend a lot of time on the edge of that dark abyss whether we are willing to admit it or not. But trouble doesn't last always. Thank God.

So you see...sometimes I like to write in pencil simply because I can erase. And erasing... well...sometimes I need another chance. 

 I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

You should listen to Marilyn...

...because Marilyn is right.

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”― Marilyn Monroe

I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.

debt. a true confession.

So every year I make grand statements about what I'm going to work on for the new year. Not quite resolutions, but definitely grand statements. Usually, I take on 3 or 4 things...my weight, my money, etc. I've finally come to realize that this approach does not work for me. Apparently, I can't do more than one thing at once.

So trying this new method of only tackling one thing at once, in 2013 I've decided to concentrate my efforts on reducing my debt, specifically my credit card debt. I'd like to adopt a baby in a few years and I realize that raising a child will take a lot of dough that I don't have right now. And it won't happen if I don't make some changes right now. And while my credit card debt is really just the tip of the iceberg, which makes me incredibly sad, it's a good starting place.

So last night I put on my brave face and faced my credit card debt. Usually, when I pay my bills, I try really hard not to look at the balances. They are so scary! But I barreled through, and wrote each balance down in an excel sheet and summed them. Needless to say, I am incredibly ashamed of the summed number. I am even more ashamed of the financial situation I've allowed myself to get in to. I know better, but I love to use the excuse that I'm not good with money. I realize it's a lie that I've let myself believe because it's easier than taking control of my finances.

So I've taken the first step. It's a little bit easier because I have a friend I'll be doing this with. And confessing some of my financial sins, the actions that I don't want to own and don't want anyone else to know about, will be cathartic, help me stay on track, and hopefully, release me from some of the shame.

I've taken all of my credit cards out of my purse. I was going to allow myself to buy a computer on credit this year, but realized I would be better off buying one in cash later this year. I'll just have to live with the resources I have and that will be okay. I'll live even though I feel like I won't. I want to pay my house and get new furniture for the living room. I may not do this in case, but I'm sure I'll be able to find an interest free deal for at least a year which is an acceptable way to buy furniture.

The first thing I'm paying off is actually my car. I'm almost done and should be making my last payment this month but because of some financial mismanagement on my part, I'm not unless I bite the bullet and pay the larger sum. I just might. There will very little money left for the month after that but it will make me feel so good, like I've accomplished something, that it may be worth it. Happy Birthday to me! And it will open up more money to tackle something else next month.

The next think to work on is getting myself on a budget. I don't even know what that is. I tend to work with  the money I have but don't force myself to monitor my spending, especially on eating out. I've already banned myself from Starbucks but there are so many things to spend my money on! I'm using a partitioned file folder for each month's receipts and am going to force myself to total them every month and then make changes accordingly.

So I welcome your suggestions for doing this as I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that there are plenty of books out there to  help me, so I'll take those recommendations to. But I have no idea which ones are good and which ones are not.  I've decided to view this as a courageous first step. What have you decided to face this year?


I pray you see beauty, practice gratefulness, and experience the goodness of life in this new year. Amen.